I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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