So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
