its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
