I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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