Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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