It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize