Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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