I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
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