3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Say something about gay babies.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
