just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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