Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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