i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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