Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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