She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
