sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
