i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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