once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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