Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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