We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
