so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
