I didn't shave. On purpose
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize