At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
