I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize