u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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