I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
