I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
