i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
