there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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