Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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