i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't turn off my feet"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
