last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
