I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
