Someone shit on the floor
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
