those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
