i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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