I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
