goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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