last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's official drugs can't kill me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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