I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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