oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
