Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
