guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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