He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
