he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
