Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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