good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
