when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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