this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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