dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
