I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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