OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
