She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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