I got chris browned last night
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize