i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize