Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
