Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
