I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
