I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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