I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
