I want to walk on stilts...naked
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
