Define "chronic" masturbator.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
