Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
