Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
