i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
