Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
