Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Text me some of your sweat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
