I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I will pee on everything he values.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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