wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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