I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
