Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
