I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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