I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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