He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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